


Receive

by kriegersan



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Canon Gay Character, Consent Issues, Discussion of STDs, F/M, Humor, Infidelity, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-02-04 20:14:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1791805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriegersan/pseuds/kriegersan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a farce. Archer always gets what he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Receive

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: There are rape jokes in this. There are characters involved in some less than consensual actions in this fic. 
> 
> OTHER WARNINGS: There are jokes of a squicky variety revolving around anal sex in this, so sorry if you dislike some frank discussion about butts in here. There are homophobic, sexist and racist jokes from the characters in this fic. There are jokes of a offensive nature towards prostitution in here, as well. These are not most likely values I hold, but these characters are not me, so enjoy them and don't be a dick to me about it if you don't like it.
> 
> There are also canonically gay male characters doing things with women, and bi-curious-ish characters being, well, bi. Warnings for anal, rough blowjobs, discussion of enemas, cum-swapping and lots of oral sex.
> 
> Takes place early-ish in Lana and Archer's relationship pre-Season 1, so they're all pretty young. And also pretty much at their happiest here, before Archer turned into a self-sabotaging meatball head.
> 
> There is also shit ton of porn in this fic.
> 
> LOVE ME FOR IT.

“So... gay sex.”

Ray slowly looked up from the document he’d been working over, chewing a piece of sashimi slowly in his mouth. Archer, in all his (gorgeous) insufferable glory, stood by the table, hip-shot, trying to come off way more confident than he was.

“Come again?” said Ray, before swallowing thickly. He snatched his water bottle off the table, taking a long drink to try and prepare himself for whatever bullshit was about to come out of the other man’s mouth. 

Archer rolled his eyes, yanking out one of the other break room chairs from the table, before dropping down across from the other man. “Lana won’t let me fuck her in the ass if I don’t try, um, receiving it first.”

“Receiving.”

“Y’know, receiving gay sex.”

“Well, technically it’s still straight sex… just in the butt.”

“Straight people butt sex, gay people butt sex, whatever.” He produced his gun from… somewhere, aiming it directly at Ray’s forehead. “And if you tell anyone about this conversation ever happening I will shoot you in the frickin’ head and ass.”

“Well I’m sure I’ll feel real ready to help you with your sexuality crisis with a bullet through my head and also my ass, thank you.” Ray knocked the muzzle out of his face, starting to gather his bento box and documentation to get anywhere that happened to be far away from his best friend’s idiotic (beautiful) boyfriend. He stood up, preparing for his daring escape. What the heck did she see in him anyway? 

Oh yeah the fact that he was incredibly hot and also the weirdly charming kicked puppy thing he had going on, Ray quickly realized. Archer somehow had invaded his space, the two of them mostly standing chest to chest, Walther PPK aimed squarely at his breastbone between them. He smelled good, not even like good cologne (but yes, also that), just good _man_ smell. Ray’s dick twitched. Goddamnit. 

“Ray.”

“No, Archer.”

“ _Ray_.”

“I said no! Goddamnit, man, do you ever listen?”

“No,” he said, with a laugh. “At least not to you.”

Ray scoffed, “So then _why_ would you come to _me_ if you won’t listen to me?”

He shrugged. “You’re, well, pretty much the only gay guy I know. Other than maybe Cyril I guess.”

“Mm… mhm.”

“And besides, you and Lana are like… buds or whatever, so I figured you of all people would want her to have mind blowingly awesome straight gay anal sex.” 

“Well, yeah!” blurted Ray. Shit, he didn’t mean that. 

...Well maybe a little. 

It wasn’t like he was particularly invested in Lana’s sex life (okay he totally fantasized about her and Archer doin’ it once in awhile, but who with a functioning sex organ _didn’t_ ), and it wasn’t like he wanted to actually help the giant jerkoff do just about anything right. Lord knew he had to listen to Lana go into angry self-hating rants over his stupid ass enough… but then again, maybe he could do some good here! Ray did like playing armchair therapist… this was kind of the same thing, right? Except with gay, sorry, straight sex. Straight butt sex. God straight people were fucking weird.

Archer’s face lit up. “Super.” 

He immediately slapped everything Ray was holding out of his hands, rice, dossiers and chopsticks blown out onto the floor, ignoring his squawk of indignance to drag him out of the lunch room by his wrist. “I have to be _just_ shitfaced for this.”

And that’s how they ended up at a dive bar, going shot for shot at 3:30 in the afternoon on a work day. Ray didn’t protest as Archer pushed another shot into his hand, clinking glasses before they both threw it back. The alcohol burned on the way down, but Ray realized well, it wasn’t like getting drunk was going to make things any less awkward. At the very least it might make Archer just a teensy bit less annoying as shit. 

Archer signaled the bartender for another round of shots, and they knocked those suckers back too. “Keep a tab open for my moustachio’d friend, hey?” he said, before Ray could open his mouth. Of course that fucker would. Of course.

His head felt a little bit fuzzy, so he was buzzed but not drunk. Archer didn’t even seem to be that affected, the boozehound, working away on his beer without a care in the world. They were the only two seated at the bar, drunk elderly people and some bikers milling around behind them, a few businessmen over at a booth to their right. Pretty standard for a Monday afternoon, Ray supposed.

“Okay so… what do you want to know?” started Ray. The bartender thunked down a fresh, drippy bottle in front of him, and Ray thanked the beer-y gods (again) that he didn’t have to have this conversation sober. 

“Gee, Ray, I don’t really have a how-to guide on straight gay anal sex, being that I’m not a giant fucking fairy. So just start at the beginning or whatever.”

“The beginning… of butt sex.”

“Yes, the prologue of anal. Once upon a boner--”

“Oh shut up! Ass.”

“So get on with it, then, man!” he said, offering a shit eating grin. Ray’s eyes narrowed, and he took a good long sip of his beer, licking the foam off of his mustache as he set it back down. 

“Okay so… uh. The beginning.” Ray cleared his throat. “Of b--”

“In a time of wonderment and curiosity, one man must make a choice--”

“Y’know, if you keep being a sarcastic shitmouth I will turn this car around, so help me Jesus.”

“Can I still get a Happy Meal? Kidding, kidding. Okay, listening. For real now.”

The blond man sighed. “Okay. Dick. I’m assuming you’ve had anal sex with other women? That aren’t Lana, I mean.”

“Yeah… like last night.”

Ray started to get up out of his seat, but Archer grabbed his shoulder and pushed him back down. “Jesus, take a joke much?”

“With you it’s hard to tell.”

“Right? But no yeah it was more like 3 weeks ago.”

“...And so then how did that particular bout of infidelity go? Like… what did you do. Walk me through it,” Ray offered, crossing his legs in his chair. Talking so frankly about sex with Archer, of all people, wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to do. He was a cheating STD ridden loser who routinely mistreated his best friend... but also Ray was pretty fucking attracted to him, if he was going to be completely honest. Thank god for liquor and natural curiosity. Archer gestured for another round of shots, the bartender rolling his eyes in response. 

Archer shrugged, then took another pull from his beer. “Same as usual. We were drunk, (or I was, not really sure on that one), fucking her face-down, y’know, and then… _bwoop_. Just like... in there. With anal sex. She said ‘wrong hole’, but… eh. Felt like the right hole to me, if you know what I mean. She kinda grabbed the money and stormed out after, wouldn’t even let me tip her. Wonder why.”

Ray stared at him.

“What?”

And stared.

“Don’t get all judgey on me, Ray. I know what you do on the weekends.” 

“And what, pray tell, could I do on the weekends that would be _worse_ than you accidentally-on-purpose ass-penetrating a hooker without her consent?”

“Ray, she took the money. That’s about as consent-y as you get!”

His head fell into his hand, and Ray groaned audibly. “What the shit does she even see in you?”

“Who, Lana? I’m pretty sure she just sees how awesomely awesome I am.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Come, Ray, bask in the awe of my awesomeness! See, he is! Basking!” He gesticulated to the bartender, who was ignoring them to pour more shots (and adding them to Ray’s tab). Ray snatched both shots before Archer could get to them, downing them by himself. Yeah, he _definitely_ needed more booze for this.

“Okay,” said Ray, setting the shot glasses down harshly on the bartop. “The first rule of straight gay butt sex is always use lube. The second rule of straight gay butt sex is _always frickin’ use some frickin’ lube_ you idiot shit-for-brains _asshole_!” 

“There was probably lube on my dick. Or maybe it was spit. Not really sure.”

“Okay glossing over that--”

“I mean realistically it was probably actually sh--”

“ _And we’re glossing!_ Second rule of straight gay butt sex is preparation. Assholes aren’t like pussies.”

“Hah.”

“Shut up, this is important. Stupes. Your asshole is a muscle, and like any muscle you gotta stretch it before you, uh… work it out. You have to get a few y’know, fingers… up. All up in there.” Ray wiggled his fingers in front of Archer’s nose, the other man knocking them away from his face. Ray realized at some point they’d more or less turned in towards each other, knees just inches away from touching. Shit, he had to slow down on the shots. 

Needing something to do with his hands, Ray pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. Archer snatched it out of his hand, flicked it open, holding the flame for Ray to light his smoke. Ray looked at him uneasily, before leaning forward to catch the flame, smoke pluming around his face. Archer placed the lighter flat back onto the counter, leaning back on his bar stool. Well that was sexy. Fuck.

Ray cleared his throat, smoke blowing out of his nostrils. “I was saying… you need to put a few fingers in there before you get your dick in. You gotta stretch it out so it doesn’t hurt your, uh, receiver.”

“Of gay sex!”

“Yes. Your receiver of straight gay butt sex.”

“So… wait. Time out. I have a related question. Ray aren’t you usually, y’know…”

“The receiver… of gay sex?”

“Yeah, I mean I kinda figured that you’d, y’know, play catcher or the girl or whatever since…. you’re just so gay.”

Ray stared at him. Raised an eyebrow. 

“Well I just lost a bet.” Archer feigned a sigh, reaching for his beer. His hand didn’t reach, Ray slapping the beer towards him with his free hand, the bottle clunking down noisily on the bartop, liquid sloshing onto the floor. Archer, to his credit, snapped the bottle back up pretty quickly, reaching for napkins with his other hand. Still got some on his pants though. Ray took that as a win. “Douche. Now it looks like I pissed myself.”

“Or maybe it’s _jizz_ , since I’m just _such_ an uncontrollable twinky faggo that I whipped my dick out right frickin’ here and blew a load all over your beckoning coquettish frame!” snarked Ray, almost (almost) immediately regretting the words as they flew out of his relatively uninhibited mouth. Shit, he needed to stop drinking. He was saying too much. He took a drag off his cigarette. 

“That doesn’t look anything like jizz. At all. What kind of homo are you, Ray?”

“The gay kind, Archer.”

“Right? ‘Coquettish’?” He chuckled. “So fingers. How many?” He didn’t look Ray in the eyes, concentrated dabbing at the stain on his pants, so Ray (for his part) did a little bit of looking. Man, he had a nice mouth (well at least when there wasn’t a steady stream of bullshit emitting from it). He had good hair, nice skin, too. Eh, except maybe the pores around his nose… what kind of routine did he have anyway? Maybe when they weren’t getting steadily drunker and talking about anally penetrating Lana he’d bring it up.

Speaking of.

“Well, I mean, it kind of depends on the situation? I guess? And how freaked out your bottom is. The tenser someone is, well, y’know… clenching.” 

“Yeah, boy... do I know about that.”

“Ew! You’re just so… disgusting.” 

“Hey, I’m not the one vividly instructing a total virginal innocent virgin, such as myself--”

“Mmmmmnooo-”

“--about the forbidden act of anal lovemaking, Ray. Stranger danger! I need a parent or trusted guardian!”

“Honestly, I’m like… 200% sure your mother could give you a more thorough education on this subject. Maybe 250%. She’d probably give you a live demo, for Pete’s sake.” 

Ray felt the firm press of a muzzle against the cap of his knee. “Don’t talk about Mother that way,” said Archer, simply, his face gone a little white. Well that was weird. Ray coughed awkwardly, and Archer tucked the gun away, apparently ready for Ray to continue. “Anyway.”

“Anyway,” started Ray, before noisily clearing his throat. A fresh beer had apparently materialized before him, and he took it in hand. Archer clinked the necks of their bottles together, then took a swig. Ray followed suit. Shit he was actually kinda drunk! “But yeah, like I, um, said! Lube, prep and going slow are… the biggest concerns.” 

“Phrasing, Ray.”

“Oh, please, girl. I know the exact length and width of your dick. It ain’t that big.” 

Archer actually looked a little offended at that. “What, did Lana tell you? Did she measure it while I was sleeping or something? Jesus.”

“I’m her best friend, ass. Every girl’s best friend knows how big their boyfriend’s dick is. It’s just like… the rules of feminism.”

“Then you will know that it is above average in size, and way above average in everything else.”

“...Eh.”

“Shut up. Why do gay guys bottom? Er…. receive, or whatever.”

“Wait, what?”

Archer shrugged, drank more of his beer. “Girls seem to hate it. I could barely even talk Lana into considering it. She did seem to be okay with rimming though, judging from the squealing. Um, that’s probably way TMI.”

“We are so, so, so, so, so, so, far past that point.”

“But anyway, why do guys like it so much? I mean, I get that like it’s a gay thing or whatever, but I did some research and… stuff and it sounds like straight guys like it too. And last I checked straight guys don’t like cocks in and around any orifice. So. Explain.”

“You know what a prostate is, right?” Ray asked, finding his beer startlingly empty at this point.

“Yes, Ray, I’m straight, not an orphaned illiterate child.”

“Aw, that’s so sad.”

“ _Ray!_ ”

“Prostate! Right. Well, it feels good. Getting something all pressed against it. Like a dick or a buttplug or a fist if that’s what you’re into. Like a G-spot for guys.”

“Noted,” said Archer, nodding into his beer. “So… straight guy G-spot. I think I need to experience this.”

Ray coughed uncomfortably. Suddenly, the bar was too hot. How had he smoked all those cigarettes already? Shit, it was almost 6 o’clock? How many drinks had he downed, anyway? Even Archer was bobbing a bit, clearly intoxicated. Shit shit shit.

“Um, yeah!” said Ray, shoving his lighter and cigarette case back into his pocket. The bar had started to fill up around them. The room was a little wobbly, or maybe that was the stool? Ray wasn’t really that sure anymore. “Although you can technically stimulate it through your perineum.”

“Perineum.”

“Y’know. The taint.” 

“I know what it is, idiot.”

“Yeah well you gotta tickle the taint,” quipped Ray. Yeah he really was pretty drunk. “Taint… tickle… shit, I gotta stop drinking. I should probably get goin’ here anyway.” 

“Going _where_ , exactly? You’re coming with me.”

“Well, you say that, but--”

“No Ray, this is not a question. It has been decided. The council has spoken. You are coming with me. To see Lana!” 

“Do you really need me there to like… coach you? I think you got this one, buddy.” 

“Duh,” he replied, laughing. Archer swung his feet off the stool, polishing off the last of his beer. He dropped the bottle indelicately on the barstool, before turning and heading towards the exit. Ray sat there for a moment, tipsy, wondering what in the hell was happening, before the bartender cleared his throat before him. Oh yeah, that shitass had left him with the tab. Where the hell had he gone, anyway? Resigned, Ray produced his wallet and started picking out bills, until he felt a hand on his shoulder drag him out of his seat. “What are you even doing? Come on, loser.”

Ray was pretty sure that they left without paying. Or maybe the bartender was just having a bad day? He seemed to be yelling a lot. Dukes. He wasn’t sure, but he found himself in Archer’s passenger seat, the other man gunning it out of the parking stall, generally not giving a shit about defensive driving. Did he ever, really? He was a shitty driver when he was sober, at best. 

He pulled himself more upright in his chair, starting to feel a little like his brain had been put back together. He hadn’t meant to drink that much, but Archer had some sort of uncanny dick powers to make people do things they wouldn’t normally do. Curse his sexiness.

“So is there anything else I should keep in mind, my anal Obi-Wan? You doin’ okay there, buddy?” Archer reached over and patted him on the thigh, and yeah that was kinda weird, but not totally unwelcome? Ray swallowed thickly, rolling down the window to catch a breeze. He felt a little stifled.

“I think I kinda, uh, covered it. Oh! Wait. I think one more point I, uh, have is that butt sex isn’t all that spontaneous? Like… you gotta make sure things are… clean. If you’re picking up what I’m putting down.”

“So take a shit first. Got it.”

“Well that was uncouth.”

“Ray, we’re talking about me receiving straight gay butt sex. We’re about as couth as we could possibly be for this situation.”

Oh god they totally _were_ talking about Archer getting it in the ass. Somehow Ray had forgotten (or suppressed) that fact, and tipsy and in Archer’s car, that idea… well it was a nice idea. He did have a great ass. And his voice, he’d probably sound great taking some cock, all whiny and false protests like most ‘straight’ guys tried to give. He did have some gorgeous dick sucking lips, if Ray was going to be completely honest with himself. Would he be up for it? 

“What about, like, an enema? Would that be a thing, or is that going way too far down the BDSM bunny hole, because usually I’d be down for that but I’m not sure how Lana would take it if I came to her with a nozzle and bag asking for her to like… juice me up.” 

“Juice… you up. I am not having this conversation.”

“Jesus, I’m just asking! Don’t make it weird. Who else would answer this question? Help me Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope!”

Ray sat there for a moment, before his head fell into his hand. He squeezed his temples. “I hate you.”

He laughed in response. “Right?”

“Where in tarnation are you even taking me anyway?”

“I told you. I’m bringing you to Lana.”

“Bringing me? What, am I like a housewarming gift? A handsome blond tchotchke? A knick-knack for the mantle, gathering dust, forsaken alongside last year’s Christmas cards?” 

“Do you even speak real people English?”

“Ass.”

“Shut up. We’re here, anyway. Get out.” 

“ _No!_ ”

“Hey, Ray, what if you like, queef, or whatever, during straight gay butt sex? Is it even a queef technically? What would you call it? A feef? Quart?”

“Archer, what the shi--”

“ _Get. Out. Of the frickin’ car, Ray!_ ” 

Archer unceremoniously reached over, invading the hell out of Ray’s personal space to pop the lock in the passenger door-side. His elbow jabbed the blond man in the chest, before the door flew open and Archer shoved him in the side and off the passenger seat. Thankfully, Ray caught his balance on the doorframe before his ass could hit the unforgiving pavement. _Douche._

Standing up was a little wobbly. Ray felt a little more sober, standing there on the pavement in Lana’s parkade, but definitely not in his right mind. He reached into his pocket, producing his cigarettes, shaking one out of the carton into his hands. “So why, again, am I here? Aside from listening to your disgusting… filth.” 

“Don’t you want to see me naked?”

Okay, Ray’s dick definitely perked up at that. Double Dukes. Stupid thing always making bad decisions for him. He lit his cigarette, thoughtfully, taking a good strong drag. That felt better. It wasn’t like he was going to let him cheat on Lana... Wait, what the hell was he even thinking? Archer was (mostly…) straight. Right? Goddamnit what had that idiot dragged him into.

“Does Lana know I’m coming over to her place? Did you tell her?” 

“Yeah, I texted her in the car, maybe. Now hurry the hell up, Ray, I’ve got places to be.”

He sighed, resigned, as Archer grabbed him by the elbow and started dragging him towards the front entrance of Lana’s apartment. It had started to get dark outside, and Ray was tripping over his feet a bit, grateful that Archer was way higher functioning while legally intoxicated. 

They got to the doorway (somehow), and Archer released Ray to more or less prop him up against the entrance. He hit the number on the buzzer, shoving his hands in his pockets while waiting for Lana to pick up.

“What,” came Lana’s flat, tinny (and, frankly, bitchy) tone over the voicebox. “I don’t want your Jesus pamphlets, God can’t save me, and if you have Girl Scout cookies, leave them on the doorstep and you leave with your life.”

“Lana, babe.”

“Oh hi you! You’re earlier though, you said you’d be here around eight.”

“Yeah, well, sue me. I was eager. Let me up?”

“Yes! Done and done. I can’t wait.”

The alarm buzzed, releasing the door, and Archer grabbed the handle to shove Ray in through the entrance way, the blond man hastily extinguishing his smoke on the doorjamb. It was kind of weird to see Archer not be a dick, but Ray assumed that Lana had to like _something_ about him. He was a little bit different to her, he guessed, or at least not a _total_ asshole. That was a good sign, at least? Depending on what would happen as soon as she realized that he’d brought him along, anyway. Shit.

They awkwardly shuffled their way past an elderly Asian lady with two little dogs into the elevator, Archer jabbing the button with the side of his thumb. Truth be told, although he’d never admit it, Ray had to lean against him as the elevator swayed to life, humming its way up to the 18th floor. Archer at least pretended not to notice.

“Let me do the talking, Ray. Lana’s not exactly expecting you.”

“You told me you freakin’ texted her!”

“I lied.” He chuckled. Fucker.

The elevator doors bounced open with a cheery little noise, and Archer slid a hand behind Ray’s lower back to guide him out the door. More or less on autopilot, Ray let himself be steered, starting to feel sweat bead on his forehead. Lana was a little cranky at her best, a raging cunt harpy at her worst, so Ray had no idea what to expect.

Archer didn’t bother knocking, Ray sheepishly following after him through the doorway. Having been to Lana’s apartment a few times before (and also haven giving her several of her half-dead houseplants at one point or another), he knew she was pretty anal about letting people into her personal space. 

“Hey, baby, I’m in here,” came Lana’s voice, through the doorway. Archer shrugged off his suit jacket, tossed it on one of the coat hangers, making his way into the apartment. Ray didn’t bother, considering Lana was probably going to kick his ass out in about five seconds (or both of them, really).

“Come on, Ray.” Archer shoved him ahead into the kitchen. 

Lana had been standing at the kitchen counter, back to both of them, in (shit) only her lacy, white lingerie and heels. Shit shit shit. Ray swallowed thickly, Archer grinning like a shark behind him. She turned around, a bottle of red wine in one hand, glass in the other, her confusion quickly evident. “So… hi Ray.”

“Uh, hey girl,” said Ray, before Archer shouldered his way past him, hands up in surrender.

“I can explain.”

“Well, ya better explain really quickly before I throw this bottle of very expensive wine at your face.” Lana took a sip out of her glass, pointedly.

“Remember how we were discussing anal last night, and you said that I had to, uh, receive before you’d let me. Y’know.”

Lana stared at him. 

“So I brought Ray over because I figured he could penetrate me or whatever.”

“Penetrate you.” Lana continued to stare at him.

“Yeah. With straight gay sex.”

Ray whirled around, ready to flounce his way out of there, but Archer caught him by the shoulder and hung on tight. “Archer, you lying sack of shit! You told me you just wanted some tips!” 

“Well I was thinking more than just the tip, but I guess we can see where the evening takes us.”

Lana sighed heavily, setting down the bottle on the counter. “Leave it to you, dumbass, to think that the only possible way for a straight guy to get buttfucked involves another dude.”

“Yeah, I thought we were talking about pegging!” 

“I don’t have a pirate fetish, Ray. Talk about weird.”

“...Pirate fetish.” Lana sounded like she was at a total loss.

“Pegging… pegleg… eh. You’re right, that was weak. Get back to me on that one.” Archer cleared his throat, sauntered over to Lana to pluck the bottle of wine out of her grasp. She didn’t let him have it, at first, instead pouring herself another full glass. He leaned in to kiss her, but she turned away, offering her cheek instead. Maturely (asshole), he licked her up the side of the face, grabbing the bottle as she balked before merrily skipping his way to the wine rack, producing two more glasses. “So are we gonna do this or what?”

Regardless of what he had to say, Ray accepted the big ass glass of wine Archer handed him, and started downing it in preparation of what was to come. Hell, he couldn’t deny that his dick was certainly interested. God, was he actually kinda into this? Lord help him.

“Do what? No, seriously, I’m eagerly awaiting your bullshit answer.” 

“Oh come on, Lana. Bisexual threesome it up. What else?”

“Yeah, I can’t do this. I’m leaving. Sorry doll.” Ray polished off his glass and set it on the counter, turning (once again) to make his hasty exit. Archer’s fingers clamped down on his shoulder, the douche, and Ray grimaced in discomfort. 

Lana snorted. “So you’re saying that you’re actually willing to let Ray bone you?” 

“Yes. If doing so will allow me unmitigated access to fucking the hell out of your ass.”

She rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe this is happening. Why me?”

“Why you? Because you have a hot, kinky boyfriend who is presenting you with naked male anal action to shamelessly, masturbating-ly voyeur. What’s wrong with you, Lana? Show some appreciation!”

“Baby, I d-- actually, you know what? Okay. Alright.” She crossed her arms under her breasts, and leaned back against the counter. “If you’re really that serious about it, get down on your knees and suck his cock. Now.”

“Hey, don’t I get a say in this,” started Ray, before he found himself being pushed, back flat against the refridgerator. Archer stepped in close, toe-to-toe, reaching between them for Ray’s belt. His wine glass had disappeared in the interim, and to be honest, Ray wasn’t really that concerned with anything other than the throbbing in his cock (and also head) at this point. Oh god was Archer really going to suck his dick? Was he okay with that? 

“I’m not really sure how I feel about being y’all’s experimental human straight gay butt sex dildo…”

“Aww, does Ray want some straight gay kisses first?” Archer’s lips twitched up into a smile. Their noses weren’t that far away from touching. Ray could smell the alcohol on his breath.

“...Maybe.”

“He said, yearning for that hunk Archer’s swoon-worthy kisses.” 

“ _Swoon_.”

“This is like… the world’s worst game of confused sexuality chicken.” Lana had sidled up alongside them about a foot away, gorgeous ass firmly planted in a kitchen chair, bare legs crossed. She had a fresh glass of wine, too, a flush to her cheeks. Yeah, this was now officially a party. Ray still wasn’t sure how he felt, but his dick, gosh darn thing, was betraying him, all hard and happy and shit. Archer looked down between them, obviously noticing, pulling Ray’s belt out of its loops then dropping it next to them on the floor. 

“Have you ever even like… kissed a guy before?” Ray said, a little nervously, quickly aware that Archer had unbuttoned his slacks.

“Not, like, in a gay way. No, wait... have I? Lana, have I kissed a guy before?” 

“How the shit would I know? Or wait, there was that one time with the two Swedish terrorists and now that I think about it the one guy had a really big left--”

“Shut up, Lana.”

“Wait, what--” Ray didn’t get to finish his statement, because Archer’s mouth had swallowed everything he had to say. 

Ray was distressingly aware that Lana was watching them kiss. Well, make out. Making out with Archer, well, it was kinda weird. And also kinda hot. Archer’s teeth pulled at his lower lip, tongue sliding into his mouth. Demanding hands glided over his shoulders and down his chest, helping him remove his jacket. 

Archer pulled his dress shirt out of his pants, rucking up his undershirt, their tongues touching, Ray unable to stop the needy noises coming from his mouth. His stomach dipped inward, Archer’s finger sliding into his briefs, pulling the elastic away from his skin. Ray exhaled into his mouth, their noses bumping as Archer moved in, Ray’s hands nervously reaching for his shoulders. Eventually, Archer pulled his head back, looking downward between them.

“So you’re telling me, seriously, that you’re not usually the girl? Or bottom, receiver, whatever. Despite that... actually quite impressive thing you call a dick, I mean… good job Mr. and Mrs. Gillette.”

“Um.”

“I was implying that you kiss like a chick, Ray.”

“Stop projecting your shitty gender role issues onto gay people, shitass,” Lana interjected.

“Well a chick with a moustache--”

“Stop talking. Get to the dick sucking already.” Lana abruptly got up out of her chair, disappeared into the bedroom.

“Is she always this big of a bitch when you guys do it?”

“Yeah, but if I’m gonna be completely honest, the whole degradation thing kinda does it for me.”

“No shit?”

“Yeah, okay, less being a smartass, more dicks in and around your mouth.” Lana’s high-heeled toe reached out and jabbed Archer in the back of the leg, before she sat back down into her chair.

He wasn’t going to deny it to himself that his semi went to a full, raging hard-on as Archer dropped to his knees, shoving up the tails of the dress-shirt Ray was busily unbuttoning. He loosened the collar of his own shirt with one hand, yanking down Ray’s slacks with the other. He was incredibly efficient when he had a goal, that was for sure. Right now that goal was dick. Glorious dick.

As he dragged the last of Ray’s clothing off, it became very apparent that he had no idea what he was doing, or was at the very least uncomfortable dealing with male anatomy. Humoring him, Ray reached down, hand curled around the base of his cock. A little uncoordinated, he leaned forward, the head brushing up against Archer’s cheek, the other man swerving back, bracing Ray’s hips with his forearms. He looked skeptical. Triple Dukes.

“So... since I’m not gonna lie to anyone in this room, for the record, I have up until this point in my illustrious career of man whoring never had a dick in my mouth. So Ray, uh… be gentle with me or whatever.”

Ray snorted. “What, you scared? Of the dick?”

“No, Ray, I’m not scared. It’s just a dick. I’ve seen a lot of dicks. I have a dick. I hate to have to be the one to tell you Ray but yours, too, is also just a dick. A gay one.”

“Yeah, a big ole gay man dick that’s ‘bout to mouth fuck you til you cry sweet, sweet tears of joy and/or being unable to breathe.” 

“Uh... Lana?”

“You totally deserve it and you know it. On your own on this one, buddy.” Ray was distinctly aware of a buzzing noise coming from Lana’s general direction. Yeah, that was definitely his best friend.

“Why me?” 

“Because you have a hot, ah, kinky girlfriend who knows you like to be told what to do sometimes. So be a good boy for Ray. Show some appreciation.” 

Archer’s palm reluctantly curled around the shaft of Ray’s erection, sliding down to the base and back up again. He was still looking at the thing like it was going to jump out and bite him. Definitely needed some reassurance, then. Straight men were so predictable, anyway - could never take what they dished out. 

“Just... put your mouth on it, already. I’ll go slow, I totally… totally promise,” Ray totally, totally lied, the fingers of his free hand carding through Archer’s hair. He gripped down, pulling the other man a little less than gently towards his dick, the corner of his tight mouth bumping against the sticky head. 

Ray’s hand slid down the side of his head to his jawline, thumb brushing up to his lips, wiping off the bit of precum from the edge of his lips. “Jesus,” he muttered, bringing the hand up to his mouth, licking his own taste off. “You gotta let me… c’mon, Archer. _Fuck_.”

“Douche,” he muttered, his hand replacing Ray’s at the base of his cock. He moved up on his knees, hesitantly sliding his tongue out to touch the head, Ray’s legs going a little weak. God, it was like a dozen wet dreams come to life. Ray wished he were just a bit more sober for this. Archer grew increasingly bolder, taking more of his cock, experimenting with bobbing his head back and forth. Quick learner. No wonder the girls flocked to him.

God, Archer was seriously wearing way too many clothes. Ray pulled his hair, curled over to start pulling his shirt off his shoulders. He got it about halfway off, too fucking horny to do anything but push his hips up against Archer’s mouth, taking in the delicious sight of his tightly shut eyes, the hollow in his cheeks, his wholly concentrated expression. The sight of his wet, red lips wrapped around his cock. Goddamn.

“Wow.” Lana sounded a little out of breath. Archer started to pull back, saliva sliding down his chin, Ray’s hand catching the back of his neck, drawing him back. His hands flew to Ray’s hips to stop him from going too far. “Oh, fuck, yeah, do that.”

Yeah, this totally wasn’t weird, mouth fucking his best friend’s boyfriend while she watched and diddled herself or whatever women did with their parts. Archer wasn’t even putting up that much of a fight, macho pride likely the source of his consistency, letting Ray test his gag reflex to prove he could handle it. Maybe. Or maybe he totally liked it, liked being used, the man slut. Ray was going with that one.

Ray thrusted deeply a few times, holding the back of Archer’s head as he noisily breathed out of his nose, throat clenching around the tip of his cock. Ray let him struggle a little bit, his dick getting impossibly harder. Finally, Ray let him off the hook, releasing him with a noisy choke. He turned his head down, glaring at Lana under his eyelashes, still coughing and taking straggling breaths. “You owe me like… one hundred anal sex for this.”

“He said, never getting laid again in his life.”

“...Did I mention that you look cute in those panties?”

“I should, considering you bought them for me.”

“Well, the me that bought them for you and immediately forgot about the event ever occurring ever has great taste.”

“...”

“Care about you.”

“Hate to interrupt, y’all, but we should move this into the bedroom, don’t you think?” Archer started up to his feet as Ray stepped out of the slacks around his ankles, feeling a bit ridiculous naked except for his rucked up undershirt, socks and shoes. He toed those off as well, slapping his undershirt to the ground.

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Archer jerked his head towards the bedroom. “Yes, bedroom. Not a totally shitty idea for once, Ray. Bring lots of wine. I’ll meet you guys there in a second, probably.” He disappeared off into the hallway. Dickhead.

Ray finally pulled his eyes away from Archer’s retreating ass, looking over at Lana in all of her semi-nude glory. She blinked lazily up at him, closing her legs and pulling her now-quiet vibrator and hand out of her panties. She sucked her shining fingers up into her mouth, licking the wetness off them, then stood to her full, giraffe-y height. He loved his best friend. 

“So I’m going to assume that you truthfully had no idea he was planning on this before you came here, correct?”

“Seriously, girl, I wouldn’t lie to you about something like that. Although I can’t say I’m especially disappointed with where the evening’s headed, to be completely frank.” 

“Yeah, I was gonna say. Splash Mountain. I’m the squealing girl in the front of the ride where it slams down and goes under a little.”

“Ocean, right?”

“You could say Niagara Falls, Ray.”

“Sploosh.”

“Literally, my panties are like… y’know what.” She looped her fingers into the stringy sections on either side, sliding her panties down off her hips. They joined Ray’s clothing on the floor.

“Whoa, honey, a warning would be appropriate!” 

“Vulva alert. Sound the alarms.”

“It looks like a little mouth. Like a pair of sideways cartoon lips.”

“Can we not.”

“It is kinda plain looking though. Might look nicer if you got it vajazzled!”

“Ray!”

“...Vajazzled!”

“...Ray, seriously.”

“Isn’t vajazzling a lady thing? No? Bueller? Okay then. Bedroom?”

They collected the wine and glasses and quickly relocated. Lana got rid of her bra and heels somewhere between their first fresh glass and the second one, and they sort of ended up in a twisty best friend pile on the bed, because if there was anything Ray knew about Lana it was her weird little secret desire to be held (that she often rejected, moody bitch). Her boobs made for a great pillow, at the very least. He got what straight guys saw in them.

“So… you’re totally cool with it if I totally buttfuck him then? Lord, I can’t believe we’re discussing this.” Ray lifted his head off from where it rested on her chest and looked up at her, thoughtfully. Yeah okay scratch all previous statements, she had great boobs and he was secure enough with this sexuality to admit that they were kind of fun to jiggle around and smush his face into. She smelled nice. He was okay with hanging out there for awhile.

“Yes, Ray. Since his stupid ass couldn’t figure out I was talking about pegging.” She shrugged. “I thought he of all people would have some idea what it was.”

“Maybe he just had a secret gay desire for a man, Lana, and needs you here to feel less gay.”

“I mean, yeah, that’s a totally valid scenario too. He does tend to repress a lot.”

“Tell me more.”

“I would like to get to the shameless voyeuring of gay sex at some point, so maybe another time, when I have at least a week to properly explain the many nuances of Archer’s dysfunction.” 

“Consider that a date, girl.”

“You got it.”

“So where were we?” Archer poured into the room, all frantic energy, flushed skin and tight, black, bulge-y underwear, making his way onto the king sized bed. Lana sat upright, Ray following suit, Archer meeting them somewhere in the middle. “Oh right, Ray, you were totally going to butt bang me.”

“Y’know, you don’t gotta be so damn crass about it.”

“Make sweet love to my butt? Deflower my asshole? I dunno, Ray, that seems pretty gay.”

“You-- y’know what, just shut up and kiss your girlfriend. She’s so excited she’s fixin’ to jump outta’ her skin.”

“Hey! I’m firmly… inside my skin… ew.” 

Lana tried to cage in her smile, but couldn’t help her laughter as Archer threw her down on the bed, quickly covering her with his body. Ray sat back, watching him stretch out over her, ducking down to catch her lips. Her legs curled up over his hips, her toes trying to hook into the elastic waistband of his briefs to drag them down his ass, he eventually helping her fully pull them off. Hell, as much as they bickered, they did seem happy when they were together. Damnit, Archer, being all likeable and and sweet and fuckable and shit. That wasn’t fair. To him or Lana! Shit!

“You like this, right?” he said to her as he kissed his way down her neck and chest, over the mound of her breast to cover her nipple with his mouth. 

“Not gonna lie,” she said on an inhale between her teeth, “totally maybe might be one of my top five fantasies. Oooh, shit, that, ah, that tickles!” 

Archer bit down ever so slightly, his tongue flicking out, Lana arching up underneath him. Ray sat up on his knees, slowly pumping his cock in one hand, unable to look away. He could barely believe what was happening.

“Called it. Lana, you’re such a pervert.” Archer smirked into Lana’s skin, making his way further down her abdomen. He slid his palms between her thighs, parting her legs, head cradled between them with the lower half of his body more or less off the bed. Ray’s eyes followed his legs where they hung, and he quietly moved off the edge. “Whoa, hey, where are you going?”

“Where do you think? Just lookin’ around, a little. Let’s have a general calming of the tits.” Ray’s hand landed gently on the center of Archer’s back, and he bristled a little, but quickly became distracted by Lana pulling his hair, less than gently. “Can you get up on all fours?”

It took him a minute, but eventually he shifted, pulling himself to rest on his knees. Lana moaned quietly above them, Ray’s eyes glancing to where Archer’s face disappeared between her legs. The selfish prick seemed like he knew how to eat pussy, at the very least. She seemed to be enjoying herself.

“Lana, hon, could you throw me some lube and condoms over here? Oh, also, while we’re at it, just to make sure… Archer, you’re 100% clean right now, right?”

Lana scoffed, holding his head tightly so he couldn’t respond. “Trust me, Ray, if he wasn’t, we wouldn’t be doing this. After the whole syphilis three times episode, I make sure he gets tested like… bi-weekly.” 

“Jesus, Ray. Have some tact,” came Archer’s slightly muffled retort. “And Lana it was only twice, and you didn’t even catch it, no need for unnecessary exaggerations.” 

“ _Only twice_?”

“Yeah, Ray, only twice.”

“Um.”

“Because twice is less than… thrice. Duh.”

“Shut up... you big whore.”

“No.”

Luckily, Lana tossed him a nice long strip of condoms, and a bottle of lube. She, at least, looked thoroughly disgusted. It was a literal crime that Archer was as good looking as he was -- in any other case, Ray would’ve high-tailed it out of there. The level of dysfunction was just too much. But oh good lord, with Archer on his knees like that, mouth covering Lana’s vulva, ass on display, well, who could resist. 

His hands slid down Archer’s spine, thumbs landing in the dimples on either side of his lower back. He curved his hips up, pushing back into Ray’s hold, and good lord, what a natural little sub. It was no wonder Lana was addicted to his dick. So not fair.

“Secret desire, Lana. Look at this! Hot damn.” 

“Yeah, I’m, mn, beginning to see what you mean. Definitely going to have to invest in a strap-on--” Archer made a curious noise, beginning to pull away, only for Lana to insist, “--no, no, no don’t _stop_.” He shifted on his hands, hand descending underneath, fingers sliding easily into Lana’s pussy.

Things were getting just a little too hetero for Ray, who directed his attention to the swell of Archer’s ass, the paddle-shaped bruises on the left cheek. He smirked, slapping a hand over the mark, enjoying the other man’s jolt of surprise, Lana’s legs curling tight around the sides of his head. She was shamelessly playing with her nipples, biting her lip, holding back moans. Guess he was doing a good job, then.

“Fair warning, I’m gonna play with your butt now,” Ray said, bluntly. And what a butt. He slid his palms over the curve of Archer’s ass, spreading him gently and yeah, boner town. He was all pink and tight and twitchy (yay), and he didn’t shy away from Ray’s touch. He grabbed the lube, squeezing some onto his fingers.

Ray let his hand wander over the curve of the other man’s hip, leaning down until his chest brushed against his back, fingers finding Archer’s hard, leaking cock, giving it a few strokes until he pushed back into his other hand. Ray’s thumb teased at the tight ring of his asshole, testing, seeing just how much he wanted it. “Wow, you are _such_ a slut, ah! Oh my god, yes, please--” Lana was certainly enjoying his reaction, babbling, arching off the bedspread, white-knuckle grip on his hair.

It didn’t take too much longer until Lana was keening, stammering Archer’s name, her toes curling, and Ray couldn’t help but stifle a laugh because Jesus Christ on a speedboat at dawn in Canada, this was just too surreal. He was playing with his best friend’s boyfriend’s ass while he was giving her orgasms, uh, orally. Jack-off material for an entire year.

Archer shifted back, wiping the wetness off his mouth with the back of his hand. “Mm... that was nice.” Ray drew him back by the hips, pushed just the tip of his thumb in. “Gah.”

“Holy shit,” Lana said, eloquently. She pulled herself up onto her elbows, unable to look away from where Ray was steadily moving. In to the second knuckle, he was warm and definitely tight, head resting on Lana’s thigh as he struggled to hold his composure. Ray retracted his finger, instead gently circling the rim.

“Wow, okay, I kinda get the straight guy butt thing now, thanks,” came Archer’s sarcastic response, as Lana shifted her hips out from under him, coming up to her knees along his flank. She planted a hand between his shoulders, until he landed less-than-comfortably on his knees, forearms and face, ass high. Ray’s cock was uncomfortably hard, damn, he needed to fuck him silly, it was just too much.

“Yeah, I don’t know what it is about y’all and your hang ups about things up your butt. Feels pretty good, as you’ve surely noticed.” Ray smiled to himself as Lana passed him the lube, using a liberal amount to get most of his index finger inside. 

“Fuck… what is that? That’s way too much.”

“Yeah, buddy, that’s totally just a finger,” Lana said, gleefully, “Now you see why I would get pissed off that you’d just shove your dick in there?”

“Okay, frickin’ noted already, just, ah--”

“And _that_ would be your prostate, smart ass.”

He was rolling his hips back against his hands now, fucking himself on Ray’s fingers, face hidden in his arms. He was obviously enjoying himself, loosening enough that Ray could slide his middle finger in, eliciting an approving noise from Lana. Her dark hand entered his eyeline, palming Archer open, fingers tickling along the line of his tailbone, pressing up against where Ray was penetrating him. 

“Touch his dick, hon,” Ray suggested, but Lana did him one better, grinning impishly as she slid underneath him then took his cock in her mouth. Archer gave an appreciative moan, his hips shifting, not sure which direction to push in. Ray knew that feeling, for sure, grateful as Lana clamped her hands around him, holding him still. “Shit, man, you’re gonna come from this before I can even get my dick in there. A little eager, are we?” 

“Fuck _off_ , Ray,” he groaned, fucking back onto Ray’s hands, insistently. He pushed his fingers in deeper, curling them upward inside, and yeah, that definitely did it for Archer, because the noise he made was unlike anything Ray had ever heard from him. Fuckin’ jackpot, just a few more insistent presses, the curve of his lower back, legs tightening, Lana slapping him sharply on the flesh of his thigh to stop him from choking her. The rhythmic pulsing of his muscles as he came, yeah, there was no chance Ray was getting his dick in there now, so fucking tight, but he so, so desperately wanted to. 

Archer sagged down into the bed, Lana slipping out from beneath him to lay alongside. “Told you, y’all.” Ray sat back, his sticky fingers retreating from the other man’s body. “There’s no way you’re taking a dick tonight.”

“Oh come on, Ray.” Archer lifted his head off the bed, wiped the line of drool from the edge of his mouth. Definite enjoyment. “Don’t you wanna, y’know, pork me or whatever?”

“Pork you, what-- you, like, _just_ had one hell of an anal orgasm! Your muscles are all clenched up! Tighter than a 9 year old, right now.”

“Ew.” Lana cringed.

“Okay, bad metaphor.”

“There has never ever in the history of the entire universe and space been a thought that I’ve ever needed less, ever, Ray,” said Archer. “What is wrong with you.”

“ _Bad metaphor_ , I frickin’ got it, okay? But I mean, even if I wanted to, uh, pork… you, it’d be like… wrapping a lot of dental floss around your finger.”

“Um...”

“Dental floss, it’d be just like that. Shut up, you have to… do it. Whatever. Just a sec.” Ray got up off the bed, paced to the en-suite bedroom, washed his hands. He came back into the room, Lana and Archer all over each other in the center of the bed. He felt a little awkward standing there, half-drunk, dick hard, like he was interrupting something (which he was). Lana looked at him though, then hooked her ankle into the curve of his knee to gather him back onto the bed. 

“You still need to come. Get up, lazy,” she said, jabbing Archer in the arm, where he’d more or less collapsed into a post-orgasm pile. “Hey, would it be totally too hetero for you if I helped, or do you just want him?”

“Nah, I’m pretty freakin’ gay, but I’m not dead, girl. You’re hot. C’mon.” 

That was how Ray found himself sitting at the head of the bed, Lana and Archer laying between his thighs, hands on his chest, taking turns lasciviously sucking his cock, playing with his balls, teasing his perineum. Pretty much every wet dream he ever had (only possibly improved if Lana had a cock, and if he was being honest with himself, he’d keep the tits too). He’d been keeping his composure for so long, it took him only moments to finally hit his apex, oh _God_ , his cum hitting Archer’s closed mouth, the other man flinching back. Lana’s tongue snuck out to lap at his face, until they were kissing with Ray’s cock between them. Oh God, they were swapping his cum back and forth. He was seriously going to pass out from the visual.

Head spinning, Ray melted back on the bed, his two weird ass bed partners gradually crawling their way up on either side of him. Lana gratefully accepted use of his chest as a pillow, Archer clumsily making his way into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

“I’m actually kinda sad I didn’t get to see you, y’know, pork him.” 

“Can we stop saying pork, because that’s really takin’ all the mind-blowing sexiness outta this.” 

Lana laughed. “Okay then, I didn’t get you to see you straight gay butt sex him.”

“Better. At the very least, he knows he likes it now so you can peg the hell out of him while he squeals like a pig, Lana.”

“Can we stop, collectively, making pig metaphors when referring to fucking my ass?” came Archer’s voice from behind the door. “I can frickin’ hear you guys.”

“Come back to bed, you, uh... you.” Lana yawned.

“Yeah, I just have to clean all this jizz off of my freakin’ face, no thanks for the warning, _Ray_.”

“Oh pshaw, you totally liked it, cumrag,” he retorted, and no response came. Yeah, he totally liked it. Or he couldn’t come up with a half-decent comeback. 

Lana’s head snuggled into the curve of his neck, her hand across his chest. Archer came back out of the bathroom, flicked the light off, moved onto the bed on Lana’s other side. He spooned up behind her (girl was almost out, already) arm over her waist, hand resting on Ray’s sternum. “Jesus, so, uh, this is how my night is ending, hey?”

“What, are you seriously complaining about getting pleasantly drunk, having some highly educational threeway sex and participating in what I think in layman’s terms is referred to as a cuddle puddle of orgasmic bliss? Don’t be such a Negative Nancy, Ray.”

“I mean you seriously don’t want me to leave?”

“Lana’s already chosen your chest as her pillow for the night, and it’s her house, man. Once she’s marked her territory, you don’t wanna fight her on that one, trust me.” 

“Uh, okay.” 

Archer rolled away, reaching past their wine glasses to flick off the lamp. Darkness overtook the room. God, it smelled like sex. 

“I can’t believe I’m sleeping in y’all’s bed.” 

“Believe it, buddy.” Archer leaned over, kissing Lana to the side of her mouth, receiving a happy mumble in response. He smirked, kissed Ray too, Lana sandwiched between their chests, Ray’s hand curving up over Archer’s jaw, into his hair. He kissed slowly, deeply, obviously tired and tasting strongly of booze, but it was nice, and sure enough, Ray found himself asleep pretty fucking quickly.

The next morning wasn’t easy. They didn’t even wake up until at least eleven, Archer peeling himself out of the bed to piss, then flat-footing it to the kitchen to make coffee, calling a shrieking Malory to let her know none of them were coming in. Thank fuck for nepotism. Ray was next up, making himself scarce to take a shower (he was sticky), then Lana sitting upright in bed, hungover as shit, head pounding. She set to rolling a joint, and that was how all three of them wound up red-eyed, waked and baked, drinking coffee and doing half-assed crosswords in the kitchen.

They didn’t really talk that much, all snarked out from last night, but as it got closer to one, Ray finished off his coffee, mumbled a, “I should probably go, y’all.” Lana offered Archer’s driving services, much to his chagrin. Archer got dressed in a fresh shirt and pants, Ray wore yesterday’s clothes. He didn’t know whether or not he should kiss Lana at the door, but hugged her instead, and she kissed the pulse point on his neck. He was a little confused by the twitch of his dick. Weird.

“Be back in a bit, stupid,” Archer told her fondly, grabbing his suit jacket from the hook. Their shoes were still a mess from last night. God, Ray was never going to forget last night.

“Bye. Don’t get in a car crash and die.” Lana smirked, then grabbed Archer roughly by the hair and kissed him, before slamming the door in their faces unceremoniously. 

They were slow-going down to the parkade, both a little burnt out, Ray definitely still high. The elevator ride felt so much longer, the same old Asian lady with her tiny dogs riding all the way down with them, eyeing Ray suspiciously, Archer propping himself up against the wall. 

“So was that everything you could’ve ever dreamed for?” said Ray, smartly, the doors opening before them. The elderly lady shuffled out first, dogs clicking furiously behind her. 

“Honestly? I’d give it a solid B.”

“What!?” The doors flew open as they made their way out of the building. “That was like some serious A-grade jack-off material!” 

The lady tossed a look back over her shoulder, picking up speed ahead of them, before they turned in the opposite direction to the parkade. 

“Yeah,” Archer said, with a shrug, pulling out his car keys. “But I wanted to get fucked.”

Ray swallowed thickly. “Jesus, man, lower your voice.” He unlocked the car, and they both got inside. “You did get fucked!”

“Yeah, with fingers, but I know Lana wanted to see me get por-- dicked or whatever, so we’ll have to keep doing this until, uh, the dicking happens.”

Ray sat there as his burnt out brain slowly pulled the puzzle pieces together. And then he promptly sucker-punched Archer in the arm, the other man slapping his hand back immediately after, Ray’s own hand hitting him in the face on the backswing. “You motherfucking butthead fuckface asshole!” 

“What!? Ow, Ray, would you stop with the fucking girly slaps, I mean _shit!_ ”

“Why couldn’t you have just told me from the freakin’ beginning that you were doing this because it would make Lana happy!? I would’ve been more than happy to oblige, you ass.”

“Why would I do that?” Archer raised an eyebrow.

“Because it’s a little more freakin’ ethical than dragging someone into a threeway fuck-fest under false pretenses?”

“So?”

“...You knew the whole time she was talking about pegging?”

“Um… duh, Ray. I mean, it is me we’re talking about here.”

“...So why the hell does Lana think you didn’t?”

“Because I lied.”

“Can you do _anything_ that isn’t all wrapped the hell up in lies?”

“Is that a rhetorical question, Ray?”

“You would’ve had the same damn outcome if you’d told the truth, y’know.”

“Same outcome, maybe, but way less... Archer. And Mother always told me to be myself, Ray! So here is me, being _myself_.”

Ray put his face into his palm, emitting a deep sigh. “I don’t understand you. At all.”

“Awesome.” Archer threw the car in gear.

They arrived at Ray’s place without a word between them, Ray gracelessly kicking the door open and dragging himself out. He slammed the door, storming his way to the sidewalk, while Archer rolled his window down. “So same time next week?”

He turned around, skeptical. “...The shit?” 

“I wasn’t kidding about that whole getting dicked thing.” 

Ray stared at him. “I literally cannot believe you, Archer.”

“I said believe it, Ray.”

“...Same time, next week.”

Archer laughed sadistically, tearing off into the distance without an actual response. Ray stood there at his doorway, not really sure what kind of hurricane of sexual insanity he’d entered, but his dick was certainly giving a standing approval. 

His cell phone started ringing, like a zombie he answered it on reflex. 

“Hey, Ray, it’s me, sorry for the call so soon, but I just had to ask!” came Lana’s voice, “So for next time, I was thinking I’d get that strap-on and we could Eiffel Tower him. What do you think?”

He opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out other than a happy little squeak.

“Ray…? You there?”

“Just a sec, girl, gotta get somewhere no one is gonna call the cops for this, frankly, indecent erection I’m sporting.” 

“Or we could maybe hog tie him and gag him? Paddle his ass until he’s begging for it? Thoughts?”

Yeah, totally epic sexual shit storm. Tsunami. Class-5 hurricane. Whatever. Ray just hoped to sweet baby Jesus he could stay afloat.

“I was also thinking... enema play, but I dunno, too kinky? I feel like he might kinda freak out if I come over and I’m all like... ‘Let’s juice you up, bitch.’ What do you think? Feel free to say no, but I think I’m kinda down for it. Oh God, that’s not too weird, is it? It’s too weird. Forget I asked.”

Good fucking God he was so, so fucked.

**Author's Note:**

> Woo, that's what's been in my head for the last few weeks. Glad to get it out. This fic was a gift for cyborglovesong on Tumblr for her birthday, so shout-out to her for being super supportive, and shout-out to albertstark for being my Archer fandom freak out partner because I oh so needed one, and also for making the artwork for the 3AM playlist I'm making. You guys fuckin' rock.
> 
> So hey. Next chapter of 3AM coming soon.
> 
> I'm also doing drabbles pretty frequently at highandholy.tumblr.com if you want to hit me up with some prompts. I'll probably post them over here, too, eventually.
> 
> Smooches!


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